That's where you are wrong, Ivan.
With respect to what was written in the New Testament,
it has never really happened.
We have ordered from you a large anti-religious poem.
You have written the poem, Ivan, and have done it very fast.
But regretfully, we were not satisfied at all.
You have created Jesus as if he were real and alive.
Although unattractive character.
My goal is to prove to you that this Jesus character
has never existed in the first place
- Give me a sparkling water. - Haven't got it.
- What about a beer? - We'll get some in the evening.
- What do you have? - Apricot water, but it's warm.
- All right, all right, give me the water
What the devil?
You know, Ivan, I nearly had a heat stroke just now.
I even hallucinated, I think.
It's time to run the hell off to the resort, Kislovodsk.
Anyway... Where were we...?
I'd like to point you to the ancient authors. For instance,
the renown Philo of Alexandria, or the brilliant Josephus Plavius
have never dropped a single word about the existence of Jesus.
Or let's look at the 15th Book, the 44th chapter of The Annals by Tacitus
...where he speaks about the execution of Jesus. It is nothing but a forgery that was added to the book much later.
Not a single eastern cult
is without a maiden that has given birth to a god
So have the Christians, not creating anything new, created their own Jesus that has never lived in the real world.
Let's sit down.
This is what your main emphasis should be.
I would like to mention ancient Egyptian god Osiris
...the benevolent god, son of the Sky and the Earth, as well as the Phoenician god Tammuz
as well as Marduk and even the less known awesome god Huitzilpochtli,
who was revered by the Aztecs in Mexico.
A German. - An Englishman.
- Isn't he hot with the gloves on?
Ivan, you have written well and with satire about the birth of Jesus,
...the son of God. The trick is that long before Jesus there were many sons of gods,
such as Frakian Attis. To be short, none of them were really born, including Jesus,
and you shouldn't be describing the birth itself, or the visitation by magies
Instead, you should be talking about the ridiculous rumors concerning that birth. Otherwise, it sounds in your story as if he...
...really did exist!
You should agree, it does sound quite funny. Don't be hurt, it does really sound like that.
L beg your pardon, but not being acquainted...
I do find the subject of your scientific conversation to be of such interest, that I took the courage...
- May I have a sit?
- Certainly.
If I haven't misheard, you were mentioning that Jesus hasn't really existed?
- Precisely that.
And you were agreeing with that statement? - One hundred percent.
- Hmm. Wonderful.
Forgive my insistence, but to my understanding,
...you don't believe in God? I swear not to tell anyone.
Yes, we do not believe in God. And it could be said with complete openness.
Let me thank you from the bottom of my heart.
- What are you thanking him for?
For a very important information that interests me strongly as a traveler.
- But let me ask you...
...what is to be done with the proofs of God's existence,
...which are precisely five in number?
- All of these proofs are worthless.
You must agree that in the field of reason...
...the existence of God can have no proofs. God doesn't and cannot exist.
- Bravo, bravo!
You have just repeated the thought of the restless old Immanuel concerning the issue.
But here is the funny thing...
...he has totally dismantled all five proofs.
And then, as if mocking himself, he has built his own...
...proof, the sixth proof.
- Kant's proof is as inconclusive...
They should grab this Kant guy, for saying things like that, and send him off to the labor camps for a couple of years!
- Ivan!.
- That's right!
That's where he belongs.
I told him then, at breakfast:
"Professor, it is your business, but your though is an awkward one...
...perhaps, intelligent, but not so easy to understand.
...they will be laughing at you...
- At breakfast? With Kant?!
The problem is, he can't be sent to the camps.
For the simple fact that for over one hundred years now...
...he is in places significantly further that the furthest camps.
From those places, he would be impossible to remove.
,A pity! - Yes, a Pity-
- Here's the question that bothers me:
...if God does not exist, who rules the human life?
- Man rules himself!
- Excuse me.
In order to rule, one must have a precise plan...
...for a time period of some length, at least a thousand years or so.
Let me ask you, how can man rule
...if he doesn't control his own tomorrow?
Imagine that you, for instance,
...started ruling, giving orders...
...to yourself and others, and started feeling the taste of doing so
...and the all of a sudden, khe-khe, you develop a sarcoma of the lung...
Yes, a sarcoma.
There is the end of your rule!
No other fate but yours is on your mind.
Relatives start lying to you,
...and you start seeing famous doctors
...then charlatans or even fortune tellers. The first, the second,
...and the third are helpless, as you understand yourself.
And so the tragic end: he
...who thought himself ruling over something,
...finds himself lying in a wooden box,
...and the people see that the person lying in a box
...is no longer of any use, burn him in a furnace.
And yet it could be even worse:
...just as one is planning to go to Kislovodsk...
...not much of a trip,
...but even that he can't accomplish, because for no apparent reason...
...his foot slips and he is run over by a tram!
Would you say that this individual has been in control of being run over?
Would it not be closer to the truth that someone else has done it to him?
- Well... - You want to smoke, as I can see.
What kind of cigarettes do you prefer?
- Why, do you have several types? - What kind?
- How about "Nasha Marka".
- "Nasha Marka".
- What the hell.
- Yeah...
Yes, the man is mortal, that is hard to dispute. But the thing is...
Yes, the man is mortal, that is only half of the misfortune.
What is worse is that he one can go unexpectedly, that is the trick!
Man cannot as much as know what he'll be doing tonight.
That is an exaggeration. This evening my life is more or less planned...
...if no reason a brick won't fall on my head on Bronnaya Street...
Bricks never fall on one's head with no reason.
In your case that is certainly not going to happen, I assure you.
Your death will be very different.
- Perhaps you could describe how? - Gladly.
One, two...The planet Mercury is in the second house, the Moon is gone...
...evening six... seven... a calamity...
You will be decapitated!
- Who? Enemies? Foreign invaders? - No.
A Russian woman, a young Communist.
- Well, that is... not very probable. - Forgive me, but that is how it will be.
Oh, yes, I was going to ask you about your plans for this evening,
...if that is not a secret? - It isn't a secret.
Now I will go home to Sadovaya Street,
...and later, at ten, MASSOLIT, the Writers Union of Moscow
...of which I have the honor of being a chairman...
...will hold a meeting at 10PM...
...and I will be presiding. - No...
...that cannot happen. - Why not?
Because Annushka has already bought the sunflower oil,
...not only has she bought it, but she has already spilled it.
And so the meeting isn't going to happen.
What is the connection with the sunflower oil? Who is this Annushka?
L will tell you about the relevance of sunflower oil!
Have you, mister, ever been at the mental hospital?
Oh, I have been there, many times. I have been to all kinds of places.
Too bad I haven't asked the professor what is schizophrenia.
So please do ask him about it yourself, Ivan Nikolayevich.
- How do you know my name?
Please, Ivan Nikolayevich! Who doesn't know the poet Bezdomny!
- Excuse me. Stay here for a minute,
...I have to have a word with the comrade.
With pleasure. It is so nice under the lindens, besides, I am not in a rush.
- Listen Misha,
...he is no tourist, he is a spy. Must be a Russian?migr? that has moved back here.
Ask him for his papers, or he will run off.
- You think so? - Believe me,
...he is playing dumb to find something out.
Have you heard him speak Russian? Let's apprehend him, or he'll split.
Forgive me, but in the heat of our dispute I forgot to introduce myself to you.
Here is my card,
...my passport and the invitation to visit Moscow for a consultation.
So, you have been invited as a consultant, Professor?
- Yes, a consultant.
- Are you German? - I? Well, I guess, I am German.
- What is your profession?
- L am an expert in Black Magic.
- Really!
And this is the capacity in which you've been invited?
Yes, I have. They have discovered at the State Library...
...genuine manuscripts by Herbert of Avril, an occult writer from the tenth century,
...and so it is needed that I decipher those. I am the only expert in the world.
- Are a historian? - I am a historian.
Today on Patriarch's Ponds some story is in the making.
Keep in mind that Christ did exist.
You see, Professor, we have a different point of view...
...on that topic. - Points of view are not needed.
He did exist and that all there is to it.
- But one needs some sort of proofs... - Proofs are not needed either.
All was very simple: he wearing a white cloak with an edging the color of blood,
...walking with a shuffling walk of a cavalry man.
In the early hours of the fourteenth day of the Spring month of Nisanu...
...into the covered colonnade between the wings of the Great Herod's Palace
...has stepped Pontius Pilate, the procurator of Judea.
- The prisoner from Galilee? - Yes.
- Have you sent the case to the tetrarch? - Yes, procurator.
- What was his reaction? - He refused to pronounce give a verdict...
...and has sent the death sentence by the Sinedrion for your affirmation.
- Bring out the accused.
So it was you urging the crowd to destroy the temple of Yerushalayirn?
- Believe, oh kind man... - Is it me you are calling a kind man?
Call for Centurion The Rat Killer..
The criminal has called me a 'kind man'.
Take him out for a minute and teach him how I should be addressed.
Don't cripple him, though.
The Roman procurator must be addressed as Hegernon, no other words are to be used.
Stand still! Did you get it, or should I hit you?
- I Understand, don't hit me.
- Name?
- My name? - My name I already know.
- Yeshua.
- Any nicknames? - Ha-Notsri.
- Where were you born? - In the town of Gamala.
- Who are you by blood?
I could not be certain, I do not remember my parents. I am told that my father was Syrian..
- Where is your permanent residence?
L have none. I travel from town to town.
- To put it simply, a drifter.
- Have you any relatives? - No one. lam alone in the world.
Do you speak any languages other than Aramean? - I do - Greek.
So it was you provoking the people to demolish the temple of Yerushalairn?
Kind... Hegemon, I have never in my life had an intention to ruin the building of the Temple...
...and have never tried to convince anyone to take such a senseless action.
A great many people converge on Yerushalairn for the holiday...
...there are magicians, wizards and sorcerers amongst them, but there are also some liars. For instance, you are a liar.
It is clearly written that you have been trying to convince people to demolish the Temple. Such are the witness accounts.
These kind people, Hegernon, have learned nothing and have confused all that I have told them.
I am starting to worry that this confusion will last a very long time.
All of this because he is taking erroneous notes when I speak.
- Stop pretending to be a madman.
The notes that have been taken are sufficient for you to be hanged.
Oh no, but there is a person who walks behind me with a goat-skin scroll and he takes notes without a pause.
I took a glance into his scroll once and I was terrified by what I read.
Decidedly none of the things written there were said by me.
I was begging him to destroy the scroll in the name of God, but he...
has pulled it out of my hands and ran away.
Who is he? - Levi Matvei. He was once a collector of taxes.
At first, he was very hostile toward me and has even been insulting me,
that is to say, he thought that he was insulting me by calling me a dog.
Personally, I see nothing bad about this animal to be hurt when being called a dog.
He has been softening, though, after hearing what I was saying...
He has thrown money on the road and said that he will travel with me.
- A tax collector, did you hear that?
He has thrown money on the road! - Yes...
He has said that money is an object that he now hates. Ever since, he has become my companion.
- Levi Matvei? - Yes, Levi Matvei.
In any case, what was that you told the crowds in the marketplace concerning the Temple?
I said that the temple of old religion will fall...
...and that the new Temple of Truth will rise..
I thought it would be easier to understand.
Why did you, 0 beggar...
confused the minds by talking in the marketplace...
...about the Truth that you cannot comprehend? What is the Turth?
- The Truth is, first and foremost,
...that you have a headache...
...so strong a headache that you are cowardly thinking of death.
Not only can you not speak to me...
...but to look at me you have no strength.
Unwillingly, I am your executioner,
...which saddens me.
You are unable to think and are longing for your dog to come,
...the only creature, evidently, that you love.
But your suffering will end now, your head will be free of pain.
You see, it all ended, and I am very glad it did.
I would advise that you leave the palace for a while, Hegernon, and take a stroll some place...
...not too far, perhaps the gardens at the Mount of Heleon.
The storm will start later tonight.
It would be good for you to walk, and I would gladly accompany you.
I have some new thoughts,
that you may find interesting,
...which I would like to share with you,
...particularly since you seem to be a very intelligent man.
I think you live a life that is too secluded...
...and have lost all trust in people.
One cannot, you must agree, place all his affections upon a dog.
You life is scarce, Hegemon.
- Untie his hands.
How did you know that I was looking for my dog?
Quite simple. You were moving your hand in the air as if trying to pat it =, while your lips...
- Confess, are you a great healer?
- No, Procurator, I am not a doctor.
- Well, then...
If you like to keep a secret, keep it.
It has no direct relation to our business.
Your statement is that you did not incite a demolition...
...burning, or any other way of destroying the Temple?
- I, Hegemon...
...have not invited anyone to take such actions, I repeat.
Do I look like I am feeble-minded?
Oh, no, since you don't look like a feeble-minded at all,
...then swear that it hasn't happened.
- What oath do you want me to take? - Swear upon your life...
...it is a very appropriate time,
...it is hanging by a thread, mind you!
Hmm, you don't think that is you that hung my life on such a thread?
You are mistaking, Hegemon, if that is what you think.
It is in my power to cut the thread, though" - Another error of judgment.
If someone hung the thread, it would be him and only him that would be able to cut it, wouldn't you think?
Now I have no doubt that the idlers of Yerushalaim were following you all around town..
I don't know who hung your tong, but is hanging well.
Tell me, incidentally, is it true
...that you have arrived in Yerushalairn through the Suz Gates...
...sitting on a donkey followed by a crowd of the poor,
...who have been shouting out greeting as if you were a prophet?
- L have no donkey,
...and I came to town through the Gate of Suz on foot
...accompanied by Levi Matvei alone, and no one shouted a word to me,
...since no one knew me in Yerushalairn
Do you know These people: Disrnas, Hestas, and Bar-Rabban?
- No, I don't know these kind people.
Why do you use these words 'kind people' all the time?
Do you call all people kind?
All people, there are no evil people in the world.
- And this is what you preach? - Yes.
Take Centurion Mark here, for example,
...called the Rat Killer, is he a kind man as well?
- Yes, but he...
...is an unhappy man.
Ever since kind people have disfigured him, he became ruthless and dry.
I wonder who has done this to him... - The kind people
...were jumping on his like dogs on a bean
The Germans were hanging on his arms, his neck, and his feet.
The infantry detachment was trapped,
...and if it wasn't for the cavalry turma that cut in on the flange,
of which I was the decurion, then you, philosopher, would not be talking to the Rat Killer.
He would drastically change, I am certain, after a conversation...
To everyone's happiness, that will not happen.
I will be the first to prevent such turn of events.
Write my words: the Hegemon has looked into the case of Yeshua
called Ha-Notsri and has found that no crime has been done.
Based on that fact, the Sinedrion's decision
...concerning the death sentence of Ha-Notsri is not affirmed by the procurator.
However, given...
...that Ha-Notsri's insane utopian sermons may cause unrest in Yerushalaim,
...the Procurator is removing Yeshua from Yerushalaim...
...and is sentencing him at the Cesaria Stratona on the Mediterranean,
...coincidentally the location of the Procurator residence.
- Was that all on him? - Unfortunately, there is more.
The law on insulting the sovereign,
...allows death sentence on any date, including holidays.
Under that law the offspring of the accused are also sentenced.
In certain cases so is the offspring of the offspring.
The relatives of the executed are banned from mourning.
- Ha-Notsri, have you ever...
...said anything about the great Caesar?
- Truth is light and sweet to speak.
L don't care whether it is light or pleasant for you to speak the truth
because you will speak it!
Weigh each word, though,
...if you don't wish for yourself a death not only unavoidable, but torturous.
So answer now. Do you know a Judah from Kiriaf,
...and what exactly have you told him about the Caesar, if anything?
The day before yesterday, in the evening...
...I met by the temple a young man who called himself Judah
...from the town of Kiriaf.
He has invited me to his house in the Lower Town and has treated me as a guest...
- A 'kind man', isn't he?
- A very kind and a very curious man.
He showed great interest for my thoughts and was extremely friendly toward me...
- He lit the lanterns...
Oh yes, and he inquired about my opinions on the powers of the state.
He was very interested in the issue.
- What did you tell him?
Or did you forget what you had said?
Among other things, I told him
that any power is violence done against the people...
...and that the time will come when there will be no power of the Caesars,
...nor will there be another power.
Man will ascend into the kingdom of Truth and Justice,
...where power will no longer be needed.
- Continue!
There was no more talk, some people came running in,
...have restrained my hands and took to prison.
There has never been, is none, and will never be...
...a better and more magnificent rule for all the people that that of Emperor Tiberius!
And it is not for you, oh criminal insane, to be discussing it.
Remove the convoy from the balcony!
Leave me alone with the criminal, this is a matter of state importance.
I understand, Hegernon, that my words may have caused some kind of trouble...
...to this young man from Kiriaf.
I have a premonition, Hegemon, that some misfortune is awaiting him,
...and I pity him.
I think, there is someone else in the world
...that you should be pitying much more that Judah from Kiriaf.
And so, Mark the Rat Killer, a cold and convinced killer,
...the people that have beaten you for your preaching,
...the robbers Disrnas and Hestas
...that have with their assistants killed four soldiers,
...and finally, a dirty traitor Judah...
are all kind people?!
- Yes.
- And the kingdom of Truth will come? - It will, Hegemon.
- It will never come!
A criminal! A criminal! A criminal!
Yeshua Ha-Notsri, do you believe in any gods?
There is one God, and I believe in Him.
- Then pray to him, pray well!
Although, it is no use.
A hateful town...
If you were slottered before you meeting Judah from Kiriaf,
...it would be better, really.
Why don't you let me go, Hegemon? I thing they want to kill me.
- Do you really think, oh miserable one
...that the Roman procurator will set free a man that has said what you have said?
Perhaps, you think that I am ready to take your place?
I do not share you thoughts!
Listen to me: if from this moment on you say another word,
...or speak to someone, beware of me. I repeat: beware!
- Hegemon... - Silence! Guards!
L am affirming the death sentence of Yeshua Ha-Notsri.
Please call for the head of secret service
...and after him Joseph Kaifa, the head of the Sinedrion and the High Priest of Judea.
It was around ten in the morning, dear Ivan Nikolaevich.
Your story is rather interesting, Professor,
...although it doesn't coincide is with the gospel stories.
Forgive me, but of all the people you must know,
...that nothing written in the gospels,
...has ever happened in the real world.
If we start quoting the gospels as a historical document...
- That is all correct, but I am afraid
...that no one can support that what you just told us,
...has happened in reality either. - Oh, no!
That someone can support.
You see, I personally was present at the time of these events happening.
I was there in secret of course.
Therefore I would ask you not to tell anyone and keep a strict secret.
- How long will you be in Moscow?
- I have arrived just this very minute.
- Oh, yes, but, well...
...it very real! Very much so, this, and Pontius Pilate, the balcony, and all of that
- Are you alone or with a spouse? - Alone, always alone I am.
In that case, where is luggage, Professor? At the Hotel Metrolpol? Where are you staying?
- Nowhere.
What do you mean? Where...will you be living?
- In your apartment.
No-no... I mean...I'd be delighted, but...
...it wouldn't be very convenient for you at my place...
I have a roommate, comrade Lihodeyev.
While at the Metropol they have wonderful rooms, it is a first class hotel, and...
- Say, is there no devil either?
- No devil either...
- Quiet, keep it low!
- Well, there is no devil!
This is positively getting curious, no matter what you mention, you think it doesn't exist!
- So, he really does not exist, right?! - Relax, relax, please relax, Professor,
You will have sit here with comrade Bezdomnyi,
...while I will run down the block and will make a quick call,
...then I will come back and we will walk you wherever you desire, since you don't know the city.
- Sure, go make the call.
Before you go, I beg you to accept just one thing as a fact...
Devil does exist!
I don't ask for anything more.
- Fine, fine...
- Mikhail Alexandrovich!
Would you have me send a telegram to your uncle in Kiev? I will make arrangements, if you'd like.
Are you looking for the entrance, citizen? This way.
This will take you where you need to go.
A drink at your expense would be nice, as a tip for the directions I gave. The ex-regent needs a fix!
- Comrade Poplavskiy?
- Yes, this is I... - You have an urgent telegram.
"L was recently slaughtered by the streetcar on the Patriarch's Ponds. Burials are on Friday at...
...3 PM. Do come. Berlioz."
"Please disperse, comrades... If you would, please, disperse..."
"Annushka. Our Annushka from Sadovaya Street.
...this her doing."
...she bought sunflower oil at the grocery, and has broken it at the booth.
Ruined her entire skirt..."
Annushka, Annushka...
But excuse me...
...Could it be that he has arranged it all himself?
But how?!
We will learn all about this!
I will have it explained!
Tell me the truth, who are you?
Do not understand... Russian to speak.
He doesn't understand...
Do not play games! You spoke wonderful Russian a few minutes ago.
You are not German or a professor!
You are a killer and a spy!
Your identification!
Documents!
- Citizen... - What?
- Help me detain a criminal.
You must do this.
Which one is the criminal?
Where?
- That one. - A foreign criminal?
- This one?
- If this is foreign criminal,
...one must first cry out for help.
...otherwise he'll escape.Together: one-two-three.
Help...
- Oh, so you are with him?
- L will turn you in instead.
Ticketing, citizens.
Ticketing.
Ticketing, citizens.
Cats are forbidden!
Can't have cats on the train!
Off I say! Get off, or I'll call the police.
He went into this entrance!
Naturally, he hid himself in the bathroom.
Kiryushka, stop chattering. Are you crazy? Peter Ivanovich will be back soon.
- Get out of here! - Loose woman!
Exactly, he must be on the Moscow River.
On with it!
Come.
Chairman of the tenants union has the keys.
Give it to me.
Where is the late Berlioz's office?
What do you mean 'the late'?
Mikhail Alexandrovich perished under the streetcar. I am his deputy Zhildybin.
We will seal all papers of the deceased.
- Who else lives in the apartment?
The Variety Theater Director Likhodeyev,
...but he is not in right now.
The papers of deceased will be taken away. Its 00:52:52:2700:52:57:01 His living area is given to the tenants union.
All items will be stored on indicated area
...until heirs are found.
- Understood, understood.
- Look after this. - Okay...
"Griboyedov" restaurant! No doubt, he must be there.
- Shall we sew the head to the neck?
- Better not.
We will display the coffin at "Griboyedov",
...but will cover the body of the deceased up to the chin with a black shawl.
That is right.
Let us start.
Where will you be dining tonight, Stepan Bogdanovich?
What kind of question is that. Certainly here at the writers union, dear Grigoriy Danilovich...
...Archibald Archibaldovich has hinted to me
...that he will be serving portions of perch fish ala-naturel
...virtuoso piece.
You know how to live, Stepan Bogdanovich.
- I have no particular skill
...other than my desire to live as a human being.
- One can have supper at home.
Many thanks! by 00:55:30:29 00:55:33:01 I can picture your wife,
...with a pot in a common kitchen attempting to
...make perch fish ala-naturel.
- Hmm...
- Greetings to the Red Army men!
What happened to Berlioz? It is more than an hour that we are waiting...
...midnight is nearing, yet Guerman absent.
The lad is probably stuck in his dacha.
I pay dues for the third year in order to get my wife treated for thyroid disease
...and have her sent into that paradise, yet so far there is no progress.
Do not envy, comrades. Dachas only 22,
...while the union has 3,111 people...
...naturally, that the dachas were given tho those of us most talented.
- The generals.
Latunskiy has 5 rooms in Perelygine, and he is alone.
Lavrovich, by the way, has 6 rooms, and dining room is sheathed by oak.
Yes the matter, as the saying goes, not in this, and in that, that half of the 12th.
- Berlioz could and ring.
A not to go down to us downward and not to sup, comrades?
"Let us go... certainly, let us go..."
Kara time. Zubrik two. And also filet ala gospodar.
L have to say that this apartment where I live now,
...has always had a bad reputation...
...two years ago it was owned by a jeweler's widow...
named Anna Frantsevna de Fujeret.
She renter three out of five rooms. One tenant was named Belomut,
...while the other's name has been lost.
And so, a couple of years ago the strange events began:
...people started vanishing from this apartment.
On a weekend day, a police officer came to the flat,
...invited the second tenant to step out into the foyer and said that he is being asked...
...to stop by the police station for just one minute and sign some form.
Not in a minute,
...not ever'...
...has the tenant come back!
The second tenant disappeared on Monday. On Wednesday...
...Mr. Belomut was gone as if he fell through the ground.
A car picked him up
...to take him to work.
...and took him away.
But never brought anyone back.
Let's drink...
Cheers, cheers...
In any event
...after all that the apartment was taken
...By Mr. Berlioz with his wife and I.
I was alone at the time.
Naturally, in a month...
...both wives have disappeared.
But not without a trace:
...madam Berlioz was seen in the city of Kharkov with a ballet master.
While my wife went to a room I found for her under the condition that...
she keeps away from Sadovaya Street!
- Tomorrow at noon sharp...
I will visit you. - No, no, I won't be home.
- L will come anyway. - Please don't.
Where are you running?
- Berlioz!
Berlioz what?
What about Berlioz? What about him?
Berlioz!
Berlioz was run over by a tram!
Just now on Patriarch's Ponds.
Berlioz what? Terrible... Berlioz what?
...Under a tram...
What, what? Coming through...
We have to collectively write a telegram,
...Immediately right here...
...and send it right off.
Well, Berlioz. What can we do to help him? Stay hungry?
We can't let the chicken cutlets 'de voila' go to waste.
- It isn't us that died.
- Not bad, poet Bezdomnyi...
What happened to you, Ivan Nikanorovich?
What happened to him?
Who are you, citizen? What do you want?
- Comrade Bezdomnyi?
- Be greeted, friends!
- Wait... Don't let him in... Ivan
- He is insane... He must be restrained.
- Ivan, wait.... Stop him.
- Done deal, a drunkard's fever!
Call the police...
- He is not here!
Keep him out...
How did he walk the streets like this and escape the police?
- They tried to hold me, twice...
...first on Skaterny St, then here on Bronnaya.
- But I jumped over the fence!
- What did he say?
- My literary brethren!
- All listen to my words!
- Something happened... - He has arrived!
You must catch him immediately, before he does his despicable deeds!
- Who has arrived? - The consultant!
This very consultant has killed Misha just now on the Patriarch's Ponds.
Killed Berlioz.
Pardon, but could you clarify, killed how? And who killed?
This foreign consultant, a professor and a spy.
- What is his surname?
- That is the thing, surname... - Yes.
- If I knew his last name...
I couldn't make it out on his business card...
...all I remember is the first letter'W'.
..W.. - His name starts with a W.
- A 'W'. - So what kind of 0 name was it?.
W, W, W... Wa, Wo, Winner, Wagner...
Wolfgang... Winter...
- Wolf!
- You idiot!
- What is Wolf to do with this?!
- Wolf has done nothing.
- Wo...Wo... No, I can't remember.
- Citizens, listen - go call the police...
...let them send five motorcycles with machine guns to catch the professor.
Don't forget to tell them that there are two others with him:
...a tall one, covered in squares, with a cracked pince-nez
...and a fat black cat...
...in the meanwhile, I will search Griboedov. I can sense that he is here.
- Comrade Bezdomnyi, relax.
You are upset with the death of our universally beloved Mikhail Alexandrovich...
...simply Misha, and we all understand you perfectly well.
You need some rest. Now the comrades will take you home...
...where you will immerse in sleep.
- Doctor, send for a doctor!
Do you realize that the professor must be caught?
Instead you bother me with you stupid ideas, an imbecile!
- Comrade Bezdomnyi, don't be cruel... - To you I definitely will be cruel.
- Let go of me, you snakes!.
Did you see that he was in his underpants?
How could I not let him in, Archibal Archibaldovich,
...if he is a member of the writers union?
- Nikolay, this is the last time.
We have no need for doormen like this, not even if you work for free.
You go work as a night guard in a church.
Quick, get Panteley from the kitchen! Police! Write a report!
- Psychiatric care! Blow a whistle
- Let go, you animals!
- Carry him to the gate.
- Grab his feet, call for a car.
Is his membership card on him?.. Well, he is semi-naked...
You little nothing! You just wait and see!
- Careful. Bring him in.
- Here, this way!
Put him here, I know the way to the psychiatric hospital.
You dirty little poet! Long-nosed rascal!
I will catch you!. - Here, doctor, a well known poet...
Ivan Bezdomnyi. Could it be alcohol-induced mania?
Drinks a lot? Does he imagine little devils, rats, cockroaches or try to catch flying dogs?
He drinks, of course, but within reason...
...I saw him yesterday and this morning, and he was in perfect health.
Why does he wear underpants? Was he in bed? - Oh, no, doctor, he came like this to the restaurant.
- Untie me, bastards!
- Hello. - You pest!
- How old are you? - Go to the devil, I say to you!
Why are you angry? Did I say something unpleasant?
- Because I am in good health
...yet they brought me by force to an asylum.
- This is not an asylum,
...but a clinic, where no one will keep you unless there is a real need.
Thank God, a normal person among all of these idiots,
...the foremost of whom is Sasha-deprived-of-talent.
- Who would that be, Sashka? - This one here, Ryukhin, the poet.
This is what I get instead of a thank you. Such a trash!
- A typical kulak in his psychology...
...a kulak carefully masking himself for a proletarian.
Have a look at his Lenten face!
...and compare to the passionate verses he wrote for the holiday:
"Flags, be raised and fly high!"
If you look inside of him, read into his thoughts, you will be disgusted.
- What I snake I've raised...
Why do you think they brought you here?
- Devil knows why the fools did it!
...They gripped me, rigged me with some rags and dragged me out.
Allow me to ask you, why did you arrive at the restaurant in your underwear?
- Nothing to be surprised about:
...I went to swim in the Moscow River and my clothes were stolen...
...leaving me with this garbage - well, I couldn't walk the streets stark naked!
...so I put on what was available. I was rushing to Griboedov.
- The name of the restaurant.
Why were you in a rush? Did you have a business meeting?
- L am hunting the consultant. - What consultant?
- Do you know Berlioz? - The composer?
- What composer...!
Ah, yes...! No, not him...
...The composer has the same last name with Misha Berlioz.
The secretary of the Writers Union Berlioz was ran over by a streetcar at the Patriarch's Ponds.
Don't you lie about things you haven't seen! I was there, not you!
He placed him under the streetcar on purpose.
- Gave him a push? - No, where did you get that?
The likes of his don't need to push. The kind of tricks he does you wouldn't believe.
...he knew in advance that Berlioz would be killed by a tram.
And what measures did you take to apprehend the killer?
- Here's what measures:
...I took a candle from the kitchen... - What about the icon?
- Oh, that...
You see, the icon is what scared them the most.
You see, this consultant...
...to name things their real names...
...he is friends with the evil forces and cannot be caught that simply.
...he does have those connections, it is a proven fact:
...he spoke personally to Pontius Pilate.
Yes, and don't look at me like that! lam telling the truth,
...he has seen it all, the balcony, the alm trees...
...in short, he has been there, I vouch for that.
Oh! It is two o'clock, we are wasting time.
Excuse me, where is the telephone?
- Allow him to the telephone.
- Is he married? - Single.
- A union member? - Yes.
Is this the police! Comrade, make immediate arrangements,
...that five motorcycles armed with machine guns be dispatched
...to apprehend the foreign consultant.
...what?. Come pick me up, I will go with you.
...this is poet Bezdomnyi speaking. From the psychiatric hospital.
Doctor, what is the address here?
Hello, are you listening...
What an outrage!
- . Good bye. - Show merci, where will you go?
...at night and undressed. You don't feel well. Stay here.
- Thank you...
- Let me through, let me...
- This is how you are? Fine.
Is that the kind of window panes you have!
- Let me go, get off!
- Let me go, rascals! You have no right!
- Bandits!
- Let go!
- "Release him”
- Arrested after all...
Very well.
...I have warned you, the rest is your business
...You will be the ones paying for all of this.
- A bath, a separate room, and a guard.
- Doctor, is he really sick? - Oh, yes.
- What is it?
Schizophrenia, most likely. With alcoholism to complicate things.
- L am interested mostly now...
...interested in Pontius Pilate.
- Hegemon.
L have looked into the case of Yeshua Ha-Notsri and have affirmed the death sentence.
...thus there are three criminals sentenced to to death:
...Disrnas, Hestas, Bar Rabban...
...and in addition this Ha-Notsri.
The first two are procurator's, and will not be discussed.
The two others, though, Bar Rabban and Ha-Notsri,
...have been arrested by the local powers and convicted by the Sined rion.
According to the law, one of them has to be released
...to honor the upcoming great holiday of Passover.
I would like to know which one of the two criminals the Sinedrion wishes to free...
...Bar Rabban or Ha-Notsri?
The Sinedrion is asking to free Bar Rabban.
To tell you the truth, your answer surprises me.
In this case, there is an obvious mistake.
The crimes committed by the two are not compatible.
If leshua is just a mad man, Bar Rabban's crime is much more significant.
He had allowed himself to call the people against the existing power, killed the soldier...
Because of that, we ask you to rethink your final decision
And leave the one less harmful to be free.
Without a doubt, Ha-Notsri is less harmful.
- So? - The Sinedrion has read the case carefully
...and is confirming its intent to free Bar Rabban.
- How so? Even after my interjection?
...The interjection of the one who represents Roman rule?
Repeat once more, high priest.
For the third time we inform that Bar Rabban will be freed.
- Very well... Let it be so.
- Walls are tight around me...
It is stuffy today, procurator. There is a storm somewhere.
Oh how terrible is the month of Nisanu this year.
- That is not what is suffocating me.
It is your presence, Kaifa, that oppresses me.
Take good care of yourself, high priest.
- What am I hearing, procurator?
You are threatening me after the verdict that you have written?
How can this be?
We are accustomed to the measured words from a Roman procurator...
...measured before they are uttered.
- We could be overheard, Hegemon.
Kaifa, we won't be overheard, not here.
Do I resemble the young fool being executed today?
Am I a youth, Kaifa?
I know what and where is to be spoken.
The palace is guarded and so is the park.
A mouse wouldn't sneak through any slot.
Not only a mouse!
Even that one, what was his name?
From the town of Kiriaf.
Remember him, high priest?
Even if he were to sneak in, he would bitterly regret and pity himself...
In that you will believe me, of course.
So be it known, priest
...that there will be no peace.
Not for you, not for your people.
These are the words of Pontius Pilate, the Horseman of the Golden Spear.
- L know, I know
...how you hate the people of Judea...
...and that you will cause it many a suffering,
...but you cannot destroy it! God will protect it!
The almighty Caesar will hear us,
...and will shield from the wrath of Pilate!
No, Kaifa. You have complained too much to the Caesar about me.
- Now is my turn.
The word will fly about the proven rebels that you are hiding from death.
More than one cohort will you see I Yerushalaim.
The legion of Phulminatus will come,
...and so will the Arab cavalry, then you will hear much cry and moaning.
You will then remember the pardoned Bar Rabban
...and will then regret that you sent the philosopher to the death and have ended his peaceful sermon!
Do you truly believe the words you are saying?
It isn't peace that this seducer of crowds has brought us,
...and you know it full well, rider.
You wanted to release him so he ruffles the people,
...belittles the faith and bring Roman sword upon the people of Judea.
I, the high priest of Judea,
...will protect the faith from all curses
...and will protect the peopleé géUéUé iéfiiéi!
Do you hear, Pilate?
Listen to this, procurator!
Is it pitiful Bar Rabban, you reckon, that has cause the uproar?
It is almost noon time. We got carried away,
...while we must continue, the sentence must be declared.
- Styopa! - Ah?
If you don't get up now, you will be shot by a death squad.
- Shoot me...
Do whatever you'd like to me, but I won't get up.
Good day, most charming Stepan Bogdanovich.
- How may I help you?
- It is eleven.
And exactly one hour that I am waiting for your awakening, because...
...you have requested that I come at ten... So... Here I am.
- Forgive me...
...what is your name.
- You forgot my name as well?
- L am sorry...
To be honest, last night I have had a bit...
- I'll take an aspirin now...
No, no my dearest Stepan Bogdanovich, that will not help you.
You should follow the wise old rule:
...to cure like with the like.
The only thing that will resurrect you is...
...two shots of vodka with a hot and spicy snack.
- Will you? - With pleasure.
Ho are you now? Have you recalled my name?
- Nonetheless...
I sense that you have chased vodka with port wine!
- Be merciful, how can you do that!
- I'd like to ask...
...for this to remain between the two of us. - Of course, of course!
Although I can't vouch for Mr. Khoustov.
- Do you know Khoustov?
L saw him briefly, when he was with you,
...but a brief glance at his face was enough to understand,
...that he is a rascal,
...muck-rake,
...time-server,
...bootlicker.
- Absolutely right.
- A professor of black magic Woland.
Yesterday afternoon I arrived to Moscow from abroad,
...came to you immediately and offered a show at the Variete Theater.
You called to the Moscow regional committee on entertainment...
...and have cleared everything with them.
Then you signed a contract with Professor Woland
...for a seven night series.
And have agreed that Woland will visit you at home to settle the details...
at 10 AM today.
At 10 AM today.
And so I came.
I saw your condition, sent the girl to the nearest deli, and...
- Allow me to pay you back.
- Oh, nothing to it!
Would you... let me take a look at the contract. - Of course, please do.
Here's the receipt about advance payment of 10,000 rubles.
- One second.
- Good day... All I needed is this.
Berloz, Berloz, can't even comprehend that.
- Yes.
Greetings, Grigoriy Danilovich. This is Lihodeyev.
Here's the problem: I have here the...
...artist. Woland. - So?
- L wanted to ask:
...what about tonight?
- The black magician? - Yes.
The posters will be here any moment now. When are you coming?
- In half an hour.
- Grunya!
Where are these cats coming from? This one.
Don't worry Stepan Bogdanovich, this is my cat.
Don't be nervous. Grunya isn't here, I sent her to Voronezh
She complained that you stole her vacation.
You are a bit surprised,
...dearest Stepan Bogdanovich.
While there is nothing to be surprised. This is my entourage.
An entourage requires space.
And so one of us does not belong in this apartment.
I appears to me that the extra person...
...are you.
They are, they are.
They are being quite a piglet lately:
...they drink excessively, sleep with women using their position at work.
Aren't the devil doing anything, and aren't really able to...
...because they aren't the devil competent.
They deceive their bosses.
- Use the official car in vane.
- Yes, yes.
Generally, I fail to understand how he became a director.
He is as much a director as I am the deacon.
Would you allow me, messier, to throw him the devil out of Moscow?
- Messier, let me?
- Hush!
- L beg you...
...Tell me where am I?
- Impressive...
- I am not drunk, I am not well...
Something happened to me, I am ill.
Where am I?
...What town is this? - This is Yalta.
- Doctor Stravinskiy.
Like Pontius Pilate...
Please.
An entire case fabricated...
- Schizophrenia.
He knew this...
- You are a poet.
- L am a poet. You are a professor.
Are you the boss here? - Yes...
I need to speak with you.
- This is the reason I came here.
- You see, here's what happened...
They dressed me for a madman and no one here would listen to me!
Oh, no, we will listen very attentively...
...and will not allow anyone to treat you for a fool.
- Then listen.
Last evening at the Patriarch's Ponds I met a mysterious persona...
...a foreigner.
Or rather, not foreigner, but he knew in advance about the death of Berlioz...
...also, he has seen Pontius Pilate in person.
Pilate...The contemporary of Jesus Christ.
- Exactly!
Your friend Berlioz was killed by a streetcar?
Precisely! He was killed in my presence at the Patriarch's Ponds!
- While the mysterious gentleman... - The acquaintance of Pontius Pilate.
- Him precisely!
He knew in advance that Annushka would spill sunflower oil...
...while his foot would slip on that very oil - how do you like that?
- Who would that Annushka be?
- Annushka is irrelevant here..
Devil knows who she is. Some fool from Sadovaya Street!
What is important, you see, is that he knew beforehand about the sunflower oil.
Do you understand me?
L understand you quite well. Please don' worry and continue.
- L am.
Well.
This terrible person...
...is lying, he is no consultant!
He has supernatural powers.
Such as.
If you try to chase him, you will never catch him.
Further more, there are another two characters with him, also impressive.
One is tall, dressed in squares, glasses cracked.
While the other is a huge cat that rides in a tram.
Most importantly:
...He has personally been present at the balcony of Pontius Pilate. There is not a shade of doubt about that.
There is not a shade of doubt about that.
To summarize, what do we have?
He has to be arrested immediately, before he causes terrible misfortunes.
So you are trying to have this individual arrested, did I understand you well?
- Absolutely right!
Let us think, how can we have this accomplished.
Meanwhile, I am being held here...
...pocking me in the eyes with some lamp...
...bathe me and ask questions about my uncle Fedya who used to drink heavily in Vologda.
Whilst he has passed on a very long time ago.
I demand to be freed at once.
- Good.
Very good. We have cleared it all:
...why keep a healthy man in a hospital?
I will discharge you immediately,
...if you tell me that are...
a healthy man.
Do not prove it to me, only say it. Are you normal?
- L am normal.
- Very well.
If so, let us think logically.
Consider your day yesterday.
Have you hung an icon on your chest yesterday?
- L have.
- You have...
Then you arrived at a restaurant with a candle in your hand and dressed in underwear...
...and at the restaurant have made a fight. Did that happen? - Yes.
When you came here, you called the police and have asked for machine guns
After that you attempted to jump out the window.
Let me ask you, is it possible to catch or apprehend someone?
If you are a normal man, your answer to this will be 'No, in no way is it possible'
You'd like to leave here? Be my guest.
But let me ask you, where will you go first?
- To the police, of course!
- What will be the first thing you say? - About Pontius Pilate.
Fyodor Vasilyevich, please discharge citizen Bezdomnyi to town..
Keep this room open, though, and do not change the sheets.
Because after two hours citizen Bezdomnyi will be back.
- On what grounds will I be back!?
On the grounds that when you come to the police in your underpants...
...and will say that met a man that personally knew Pontius Pilate,
...you will be brought here immediately.
- Why do the underpants matter?
Well...it is mostly Pontius Pilate, but the underpants do as well.
Despite all that, he has to be caught! Do you understand that?
- Why run after him in person?
Write down your thoughts and suspicions against this man.
There is nothing simpler than to send your note where it should be directed.
Only one condition must hold: do not overwork your brain...
...and think as little as possible about Pontius Pilate.
One may be telling all types of stories. Not all that is said must be believed.
L understand. I request paper and a pen.
Fyodor Vasilyevich, give the poet some paper and very short pencil.
Also, try oxygen and baths.
"Write an application letter"
Comrade Bosoy, I am asking to allocate to me the square footage of the late Berlioz.
I will make repairs at my own expense.
- Write an application.
L am pointing at the impossible crowdedness...
...impassibility to live in the same flat with bandits.
- Application.
Citizen Kvastsov has stolen my dumplings and has put them literally into his pocket.
- Submit an application.
- L vow to take my own life... - Submit an application.
- Comrade Bosoy...
“Application!
Comrade Bosoy, I am confessing to you that I am secretly pregnant.
And therefore put claim upon the square footage of the deceased.
- Application.
- Are you here to see me, comrade?
- Who are you?
- Ah! Nikanor Ivanovich!
Nikanor Ivanovich! What a coincidence?
Nikanor Ivanovich!
- L am...pardon me...are you an official?
- Oh, well, Nikanor Ivanovich,
...what is an official versus non-official?
It all depends upon the point of view, and the position from which the subject is analyzed.
All things, Nikanor Ivanovich, are so shaky and so relative...
Today I may be an official persona, while tomorrow it may all change and I won't be one.
At times, the opposite happens as well, oh yes, it does...
- Who are you?
What is your last name?
My last name, let's suppose, is Koroviev.
How about we have a snack together, Nikanor Ivanovich?
...with no further formalities.
- What snack?
You cannot sit inside the area that belonged to the deceased.
What are you doing here?
- I? I am accompanying...
...a foreigner that resides in this apartment, as a translator.
The foreign artist, Mr. Woland
...was kindly invited by the director of the Variety Theater Likhodeyev, Stepan Bogdanovich
...to spend the time of his Moscow tour at this apartment,
...of which he has informed you by letter,
...asking to temporarily register the foreigner,
...while Likhodeyev himself makes a trip to Yalta.
- L have seen no letter from him.
- Of course you have
Check in your briefcase!
I haven't seen
The third sheet.
Well?
How could I forget about it?.
So, when is Likhodeyev off to Yalta?
L am here. He is gone. Devil knows where he is now.
Nikanor Ivanovich, since mister Woland...
...is categorically unwilling to live in a hotel and likes to live large,
...do you think the cooperative could rent out the entire apartment for a week,
...in other words, the rooms of the deceased?
The dead man doesn't care.
He doesn't need the entire apartment, wouldn't you say, Nikanor Ivanovich?
Foreigners have to live in the Metropol Hotel.
- L told you, he is moody as a devil.
He does not want to.
Doesn't! He dislikes hotels.
I will say more:
...These foreign tourists, I am sick of them.
They arrive and...
...will either spy like a son of a bitch,
...or will torture you with his whims:
...this is bad and that is not good, you know what I mean...
Whereas for your cooperative this would be of direct use and obvious profit.
He would pay generously.
Millionaire. Shh.
Millionaire!.
This question must be first cleared with the tourist bureau.
L understand, sure, please clear it with them.
Here's the telephone, why don't you start clearing.
Don't be shy about the money, who would pay if not a foreigner?
Next summer, if you are abroad,
...you must come see his villa in Nice.
What a villa! O-0, you'll be impressed.
- Hello, hello
- Intourist? - So
This is Bosoy speaking. Chairman of the cooperative.
We are aware of Mr. Woland's intent to live in a private apartment of Likhodeyev...
And have no objections.
- Nice, nice.
- Please.
- Well,
...the cooperative agrees to rent...
...apartrnent number 50 to performer Woland for one week...
...with a payment rate of...
- rate of...?
- Hmmm...500 rubles...per day.
- Let's see, 500 times 7...
Makes 3,500?
3,500 is not enough!
Ask for five.
He'll pay it.
- Ein zwei drei...
- It is strictly punished... - Nobody saw it?
Where are the witnesses?
Nikanor Ivanovich, what happened?
This is...You shouldn't have...This is...
- Greetings...
Tell me my dear Bassoon what do you think,
...has the population of Moscow changed significantly?
Exactly right, messier. - We shall see at the Variety tonight, then...
By the way, I did not like this Nikanor Ivanovich...
He is a thief and a scoundrel
Can we arrange it so that he never comes again.
- Messier must only give an order.
Hello, hello! It is my obligation to inform you that the head of the cooperative...
number 3302B on Sadovaya Street Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy is engaged in illegal operations with foreign currency.
Yes, yes. This very moment in his apartment, in the bathroom vent...
...there is a sum of 400 dollars wrapped in newspaper.
Who is on the phone? A tenant of the said building...
...Timofei Kvastsov.
I do plead with you to keep my name in secret.
I fear revenge from the said chairman.
- Damn you all. Can't even eat.
I am not here, absent.
Concerning the apartment, let them know that we'll have a meeting in a week to discuss.
Is this the residence of the cooperative chairman Bosoy?
- Yes
- Why...what happened?
We have nothing of the sort in the apartment...
Do you have some papers...
- Let's go.
- Aha...Dollars in the vent.
- This your bag?
- No, they planted it.The enemies.
- That happens.
- Let us see the rest of the money.
- L have none, nothing! I swear by God!
Never held it in my hands.
Here's the contract.
That snake of a translator...he planted it... Koroviev with pince-nez...
Comrades!.
Hold them...
We have demons in the house.
Confess, Ivanovich! Confess and they'll give you a break.
- Damn idiot!
- Sit down.
- Oh, my God...
Varenukha, call Likhodeyev one more time.
- He is not home.
I have sent Karpov the curier. There is no one in the apartment.
Well.
- What the hell is all this!
I don't like this entire idea, not at all...
He could have shown us this magician, at the very least. Have you seen him?
- No...
- Where the hell did he dig him up?!
Where is Likhodeyev? Where?
Business has stopped.
He hasn't fallen under a streetcar like Berlioz, has he? - That would be nice...
- Where is the Variety? - Here.
- Urgent telegram. Sign here.
"From Yalta to Moscow, the Variety
today at twelve thirty to the criminal investigation unit came a dark haired someone wearing underpants and no shoes...
psychiatric case calls himself the director of the Variety Likhodeyev
respond urgently to Yalta criminal investigation to inform where Likhodeyev is.
- Well, hello...Another surprise.
- False Dmitriy number two.
- Fine...
Hello, hello. The telegraph?
Using the Variety account. Please accept an urgent telegram:
"Yalta. Criminal Police. Director Likhodeyev is in Moscow. Financial Director Rimsky."
Are you Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy, the chairman of the cooperative at 302B Sadovaya Street?
- L am Nikanor, of course I am.
What kind of damned chairman am I?
- What do you mean? - Here's what!
If I am the chairman,
...I should have known immediately that he is dealing with the devil
Otherwise, how could it be: pince-nez cracked,
...and dressed in torn clothes.
How could he be a translator to a foreigner?
- Who are you talking about?
Korovyev. The one that occupied Apt. 50.
Take this down: he must be caught immediately.
Take this down too: entrance 6t, that where he is.
- Where did you get foreign currency?
- God is the Truth!
God is almighty, he sees it all!
I have never held foreign currency and did nit even suspect that it might be there!
God is punishing me for my sins...
I have taken bribes, but with our Soviet money.
I gave residences for money, I confess.
Our secretary Prolezhnev has done it too.
To say the truth, the entire management office are thieves.
But foreign currencies - never.
Fine. Now would you stop the nonsense and tell how the dollars got into the vent.
- I'll be damned if I took any.
While Korovyev is the devil.
- All patience has ran out.
Start speaking as a human.
- There he is!
Smiling from behind the cabinet.
It is his pince-nez.
Hold him. Have the room sprayed with holy water.
Get holy water.
- Sign here.
What?
L beg you, having been sent to Yalta by Woland's hypnosis...
...Send a super urgent telegram confirming identity. Likhodeyev.
- You spoke to him just after 11 AM.
- This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous, regardless of whether we spoke or not, he cannot be in Yalta now.
Ridiculous!
- He must be drunk. - Who?
- Likhodeyev...
"Hypnosis"... But how would he know about Woland?
No-no this is nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!
Where in the world does this Woland stay, anyway?
- Intourist? Variety Theater...
Say, where does Woland the performer stay?
-50?
SQ?!
- At Likhodeyev's apartment...
- Open up.
- No one.
It's clean
- Strange...
Let's go.
- Where is Korovyev?
- L don't know who Korovyev is.
- Why is that, Prolezhnev?
A secretary of the committee and you don't know who lives here?
- Don't know... haven't seen... no idea.
The chairmen of the committee Bosoy knows.
Sit down.
- You have a photo-telegram.
- Signature, please.
Moscow, Variety Theater. My handwriting as proof...
...my signature, send confirmation...
...have Woland secretly watched after"
This cannot be...
- Let me see.
This...
...is his hand!
- L don't understand!
- How far is Yalta?
- L have thought about it!
To Sevastopol about 1500 kilometers.
Another 80 to Yalta.
By air it is shorter, but will let him fly?
- That is it.
Well...
Hello... super-urgent telegram:
"From Variety, yes to Yalta. Yes, to criminal police...
Today at 12 Likhodeyev spoke to me
...in person by phone in Moscow. Period
After that he did not come to work, we could not find him. Period
Handwriting confirmed. Period"
Measures around the performer will be taken. Fin. Director Rimsky”
- Very smart!
- And now, Ivan Savelyevich,
...tale all of this to...
...NKVD
let them figure this out.
- This is really smart.
- That's all.
Where
Yes-yes
Hello, may I speak to performer Woland.
They are resting, who is this?
The Variety Theater administrator Varenukha.
Ivan Savelyevich? So glad to hear you! How is your health?
- Merci... Who am I speaking with?
His assistant and translator, Korovyev.
I am entirely at your service.
Entirely. Anything at all I could do for you?
Forgive me, but isn't Stepan Bogdanovich Likhodeyev at home
Alas, he is not.
- He is not... - Gone, gone away.
- Where did he go, where is"away”?
Out of town, to ride a car.
- How is that, when would he return?
He said: "I'll get some fresh air and be back”
- Merci...
Would you be so kind as to let Mr. Woland know that his performance is in Act 3.
Ivan Savelyevich! Certainly! Urgently! Will let him know!
Please accept my most sincere and warmest regards and best wishes!
Best of luck, my dearest!
Well, of course,just like I said: there is no Yalta, he just went for a ride.
- Well, if this is true...!
- L know, I know what it is!
There is a new restaurant in the town of Pushkin called Yalta.
Now all is clear, he went there, got drunk...
...and keeps sending telegrams.
- He'll pay for this trip dearly, so dearly!
Wait a minute...
...what about criminal police?
- Nonsense! His own little jokes.
Should I take the package then?
“Oh, yes!
Yalta to Moscow, Variety Theater.
Thank you for confirmation, urgent 500 rubles, I am flying tomorrow. Likhodeyev.
Did he lose his mind?
Be reasonable, Grogoriy Danolvich, you shouldn't be sending any money.
- That is all right.
The money will come back.
While he will answer for this little picnic!
Go straight away, Ivan Savelyevich.
Fold it and do not sell.Thirty best seats in orchestra and the balcony.
Yes.
Ivan Savelyevich Varenikha? - He is not at the theater.
Don't play a fool, Ivan Savelyevich, and listen...
Don't take these telegrams anywhere and don't show them to anyone.
- Who is this?
Citizen, stop these tricks!
You'll be traced immediately. Your number is...
Varenukha, do you speak Russian?
Do not take the telegrams anywhere!
- What the...
Is this you, Ivan Savelyevich?
- Yes, so?
- Very, very pleased.
What is in your case, you bloodsucker?! The telegrams?
Have they not warned you by telephone that you shouldn't take them anywhere?
- Did they warn you or not?
- They have... had... did...
- But you had to go anyway...
Give us the case, snake!
The case!
- A now for a...
...kiss!
To the police. From the member of writers union Ivan Nikolayevich Bezdomnyi.
A report.
Last night I and the deceased M.A. Berlioz came to
...the Patriarch's Ponds.
That doesn't read, "came with the deceased”.
The dead do not walk.
True, they may take me for a madman.
Well...
...Berlioz.
Report.
Last night I and
...M.A. Berlioz, Later deceased, came to the Patriarch's Ponds.
Or...
Last night I and M.A. Berlioz,
...who was killed by a streetcar...
...who was not a composer.
Actor Sazonov, having been impressed with the triumphs of our economy...
...has increased the number of rolls in his sparkling performance by two, which is...
...two more than he had in previous season.
Comrades, please applaud, a paradox!
"Service entrance”
- Has Varenukha returned?
From where? - That I know.
Why? For what?!
- The foreign performer has arrived.
- Oh, my God...
- Citizens,
...now you will see a performance by a well-known foreign artist Monsieur Woland
...with a session of black magic!
Of course we know that it doesn't exist.
Maestro Woland is a master of technical tricks,
...which will become apparent from the most fascinating part of the show, the denouncernent and explanation of techniques.
Please welcome Mr. Woland!
- L need an armchair.
You were right, dear Bassoon.
City dwellers have changed significantly.
Only on the surface, though, but so has the city.
All of these, what do you call them? The trams the cars...
- The buses.
The foreign artist is expressing his astonishment...
...At the achievements of Moscow and the Muscovites.
- Have I expressed astonishment?
You expressed no astonishment whatsoever.
- What is this person saying then... - Just a simple lie!
Congratulations, mister, on having lied!
L am not intrigued, of course, by all the buses, telephones, and other...
"Apparatuses?
- Exactly, thank you.
But rather a much more important question:
...have these citizens changed inside?
Oh, my God, this is labor camp material...
Yes, this question is of utmost importance.
We have, dear Bassoon, spoken for too long.The public is losing interest.
For starters, show them something simple.
This stack of cards, dear citizens, is now in Row 7...
...with Mr. Parchevskiy!
He has it between a three ruble bill and a subpoena on alimony payments to Ms. Zelkova.
Ten rubles ten rubles
- This is real money!
- Play with me with cards like that!
- Why are you alone?
Avec pleasure!
All of us! We'll take a part, right?
Ein, zwei, drei!
- Shh!.
May I have a sit?
- How did you enter?
The balcony bars are locked.
- L stole the keys about a month ago,
...which now allows me to visit a neighbor.
Can you escape then, or is it high above the ground?
L cannot escape, but it is not because it is high above the ground,
...rather because I have nowhere to go.
Are we sitting still?
- We are...
- G o.
Citizens, we have just witnessed a case of so-called mass hypnosis.
This is a purely scientific experiment that proves beyond doubt
...that magic and miracles do not exist.
Let us ask maestro Woland to show the mechanics of this trick.
You will see, citizens, that these imaginary money bills...
...will disappear as suddenly as they have appeared.
- This a case of a mass lie.
The bills are real, citizens!
Besides, I am tired of this announcer.
Sticks his nose where it doesn't belong.
Spoils the shows with his phony comments.
What shall we do with him?
- Tear his head off! - What?!
To tear the head off is a good idea.
A good one... Begemot, do it.
Ein, zwei, drein.
- Is there a doctor... - Don't torture him!
For God's sake, don't torture him"
What do you say, citizens, shall we forgive him?
"Spare him... spare him... spare him..."
- At your order, Messier.
- Well, well...
They are humans like humans.
They like money, but it was always like that.
They are lightheaded... so what...
Sometimes kindness does knock at their hearts.
Ordinary people...
Generally, they remind of the old ones.
The living conditions has only made them worse.
I wonder, are there any of the old ones left...
Put the head back on!
- How is it, fits well?
Out of here, yes?
It is more fun without you.
Bravo!
- Tell me, are you a violent one?
You see, I cannot take noise, hassle, violence and other things of that sort.
Last night I did smack one character in the mug.
- On what grounds?
- No grounds, really.
Despicable. Besides, what sort of language are you using, "smacked in the mug"...
One can never tell, whether it's a face or a'mug'.
After all, probably a face...
No, that has to be abandoned, once and for all.
Profession?
- A poet.
- What a bad luck...
What is your last name?
- Bezdomnyi.
Don't you like my poems? - I dislike them terribly.
- Which ones have you read? - I have not read any.
- How can you say this, in that case? - Have I not read others?
Perhaps, only a miracle... All right.
I am ready to believe.
Tell me yourself, is your poetry good or bad?
- Horrific...
- Then you must not write again.
- L promise.
And I swear.
Now that we have removed this tiresome announcer,
...let us open a women's fashion store!
All the latest models of women's dresses,
...shoes, hats, and undergarments.
The Spring and Summer of 1935.
Paris. Rome. Berlin.
Models from Garlen. Chanelle '5, Mitsuo,
..."narciss noure", evening dresses,
...cocktail dresses...
Take this, madam.
Welcome to the store.
- Our company makes free exchanges...
...of old dresses to new fashions from Paris and old shoes to Parisian ones.
Same I true about handbags, perfume, etc., etc. Welcome!
Let us go...
I urge you to come in, don't be shy or formal.
Well?
It is absolutely free!
- Come.
Welcome to the store, Madam.
- Maestro, a waltz by Strauss, please!
Si-bemol! The voices of spring!
- Come to the right... to the left...
right... left...
Please, Madam, come right in...
- Excuse me...
My wife is ill, I will go in her place.
- Have you a paper from doctor? - A passport.
...thank you, comrade.
- Completely free of charge!
- What is it that got you here?
- Pontius Pilate.
- How so?!.
An astonishing coincidence.
Tell me, tell me, I beg you.
That is it!
Due to the late hour the store is closing!
- It is very desirable, mister,
...that you immediately explain the secrets behind your tricks.
Particularly the trick with the money bills. The mass spectator demands an explanation.
L thought that the mass spectator did not express any wishes, did it?
But paying respects to the esteemed wishes of...
...the Chairman of the State Commission for Theater and Acoustics Arkady Appolonovich Sempleyarov,
...very well, here's a secret to be denounced.
Tell us please where have you been last night at 7 PM?
- What... well...
Last night Arkady Appolonovich was at the session of the Comission for Theater and Acoustics,
...but I fail to understand the relevance to the tricks?
Alas, madam, you do fail to understand anything at all.
Having departed for the session of the commission, which...
...by the way, has not even been scheduled, Arkady Appolonovich went...
...to the Yelokhovskaya Street for a visit...
...with the actress of a traveling theater named Milica Andreyevna Pokobatko...
...where he spent close to four hours.
- Well... what is...
Now I see why this mediocrity got the role of Louise.
This, citizens, is but one of the denounced secrets,
...so pryingly demanded by Arkady Appolonovich.
"You freak..."
- The show is over!
Maestro, cut the music short!
"Here's for the late session..."
- ...This is howl got here.
- Poor poet...
You should not have spoken to him with such disrespect and even boldness.
You are paying for it now.
You should be thankful to have relatively few consequences.
- Who the hell is he, after all?
- Last night on Patriarch's Ponds...
...you have met Satan.
- Devil...
God...
Disperse.
- Oh, my God...
- Vasya, come here, this is interesting.
- L knew this...
- I knew this, yes...
Must call... NKVD.
Do not call, Rimskiy, it will be painful."
- Jesus... you have... scared me.
Forgive me, I thought that you have gone already.
- Why didn't you call?
What was all of this mess wit Yalta? - Just like I said.
He was found at a tavern in Pushkin.
He has gotten the telegram technician drunk and they started misbehaving.
Sending telegrams denoted "Yalta".
- Where is he now?
Naturally, at the overnight detoxification clinic.
The drunken dance with the technician in front of the telegraph building was worth a lot to see,
...the chase after some pedestrian, running after girls, chasing the bartender at the same Yalta restaurant,
...throwing scallions on the floor at the restaurant,
...consumption of eight bottles of a dry white Ay-Danilya,
...breaking of the taxicab meter.
Stepa has surpassed himself to the point of having a resisting...
...those who came to apprehend him.
To be short, a dark horror.
- What happened with you face?
The car skidded and I hit the door handle.
- You are lying!
He doesn't cast a shade!
- He got the hunch, damned.
Always a quick one.
Get him!
- A-a-a!
- Here he is!
- Come here... come...
- Help...
Help...
No, no, I will not
- Come here...
Come here...come here...
- No-no... I don't want to... I don't...
- What did you find out? - Very little...
...one says that
...the magician was short, had gold teeth and had a limp on his right leg.
The other,
...states that his was a giant, his crown were made of platinum, and the limp was on the left leg.
Yet another woman informs that he had no unusual features.
- What else?
The magician had not registered anywhere upon arrival,
...has shown no passport or any other papers to anyone,
...no contracts or agreements. No one has heard about him.
- No one at all?
Go through the entire chain of events.
Collect material.
Arrest everyone who has even a little relevance.
The investigation on this political case with hellish overtones
...and added tricks with hypnosis...
...not to mention open criminality,
...must be closed within two days at the longest.
Get to work.
- Yes, Sir.
Have this Baron Meigel included as well.
- Yes.
The minute you started describing him to me,
...I understood with you had the pleasure of speaking yesterday.
You cannot but recognize him, my friend.
Forgive me, but you do seem to be a rather uneducated man.
- L went to the sanatorium in Yalta.
- Yes, yes...
- I am amazed by Berlioz, though.
Although, I must say in his defense
that Woland can fool a much more sly individual.
- What?! - Quiet.. quiet...
Quiet, quiet.
- L see, I see...
He had the letter W on his business card.
Ay-ay-ay... What a surprise...
In that case he must have really been with Pontius Pilate.
He was already born then.
And they call me crazy here.
Your acquaintance has seen Pilate and been at a breakfast with Kant,
...and he is visiting Moscow.
- He will make one hell of a mess here!
He must be caught in some way. - You have tried already, enough is enough.
I would not advise others to try it either.
That he will make a mess, you must not worry - he will.
What a disappointment that it was not you to meet him!
Although everything has burned,
...for a rendezvous with his I would give everything I have, my bundle of keys.
For I am poor as dirt.
- Why would you want to see him?
- It is a rather strange story...
...I am here for the same reason you are.
Because of Pontius Pilate.
You see, I have...
...written a novel about Pilate about a year ago.
- Are you a writer?
- L am the Master.
She has saw this for me with her own hands.
- What is you name?
- L have no name, not anymore.
I have given it up as I have everything else in life.
But... will you tell me about your book, at least?
- Certainly.
My story really isn't very ordinary.
By trade I am a historian.
Only two years back I was working for one of the museums in Moscow.
Occasionally, I was doing translations... - From what languages?
L know five languages besides Russian: English, French, German,
...Greek, Latin, and I read a little Italian.
- Impressive!
L lived in Moscow by myself, had no friends,
...and imagine this, have won 100,000 by lottery.
They gave me the ticket at the museum.
Once I won, I did several things:
...I bought many books, abandoned my room on Myasnitskaya, oh damned hole...
...and have rented two basement rooms from a builder in a small house with a garden...
I left my position at the museum and started composing my novel about Pontius Pilate.
And that is when...
...something happened that was much more significant than winning the 100,000 rubles.
- Do you like my flowers?
- NO.
- You don't like flowers at all?
- L do like flowers, but not this kind.
- What kind do you like?
- L like roses.
Continue, please. Do not skip anything, please.
What happened after?. You might have guessed it yourself.
Love have sprung in front of us as if from nowhere...
...like a killer does in a dark passageway.
It got both of u at once.
The way a lightning does.
Or a hunting knife.
L came out with yellow flowers so that you could finally see me.
If that did not happen, I would poison myself.
For my life is empty.
- No one knew about our affair.
The husband did not know, nor did friends.
- Who is she?
- She came to me every day.
But I was waiting from the early morning.
Sharpening knifes, scissors, axes, sickles.
- You are a Master.
It was much later, of course, but she said
that we have always loved each other,
...even without knowing or seeing each other,
...that when she lived with another man, while I was there with what's-her-name...
- You were married.
That's why I am clicking, Varya, Manya...
...stripes on the dress, museum, anyway, I don't remember.
- L foretell your fame, Master.
Just do work faster. I am waiting for these magic last words:
...the fifth Procurator of Judeah, Pontius Pilate, The Rider.
My life is in this novel.
- The novel was finished in August
It was time to leave the secret asylum and come out into the life at large.
I did come out with a novel in my hands.
And that was the end of life.
- Tell me,
...who are you?
- In what sense?
Who has given you the though of writing a novel, particularly one that is written in such a peculiar manner?
- Will you be publishing it?
L could not have taken such a decision myself.
Your work became the subject of discussion by an administrative panel.
Among them Latunskiy, a critic,
...Ariman,
...and Mstislaw Lavrovich, a writer.
The thought that...
...the publishing company has enough to print for two years, and so the question...
...of your novel's publication is not on the agenda.
And so...
- Good bye. - Good bye.
- What else do I remember?
Red petals on the title page.
The eyes of my lady friend. Yes, I do remember those eyes.
No, I do not blame her for urging me to fight, not at all!
Why, o why did I go to another publisher, and they printed a fragment of the novel?
"The enemy under the publisher's wing."
"The author has used the publisher's ignorance and lack of attention,
...to sneak into press the apology of Jesus Christ."
Critic Ariman.
"We shall assault and assault well the following of Pilate...
...and the God lover who imagined he could have it printed."
Mstislaw Lavrovich.
- L can assure you that the writings of...
...Ariman and Lavrovich could pass for a joke next to the opinions written by...
...critic Latunskiy!
The title alone is worth a lot:
..."A militarized old believer"
- I will poison Latunskiy.
The days became deprived of any joy whatsoever:
...the novel was finished, and was nothing else to be done.
The two of us lived spending hours sitting on the floor by the oven.
Looking at the fire.
We began being apart, though, more often, than before.
She started going for walks,
...while I unexpectedly found é friend.
I am not disposed for new friendships, I do not trust people, always have suspicions,
...and yet someone unordinary will always find a place in my soul,
...someone unexpected.
Someone who looks like a devil-knows-what,
...and yet it would be him to win my affection.
- Good day. - Good day.
L have a very funny surname, Magarych.
Aloisius Magarych. I am a journalist and live in a flat nearby similar to yours.
Mine is a little crammed.
I had some business with your landlord. He said you live here.
I have read a fragment of your book, and I am passionate reader.
Would you let me read the rest?
Your novel is splendid.
Thank you, but that is not what critics say.
Would you like me to recite what the editors said about your novel?
You were accused of...
- Let me introduce... - Good day,
...I have a very funny name, Magarych.
Aloisius Magarych.
lam a journalist. I live very near in a similar flat, although more crammed..
And so I don't invite you.
But if you don't mind, I will visit you often.
- I disliked him to the extreme.
I have never met a person, who could in one minute
...explain an entire article in the paper.
At the same time, the explanation did not cost him a thing.
He is intelligent.
This is your business, but he makes a terrible impression.